Chapter One of Many

The honest truth....

I am right now sitting here in pain ready to just burst into tears... 
I do not know what to do.....
I do not know what to think...
I do not know what to feel...

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I am 21 years old and in this much pain. I feel like I should be able to do what everyone else my age can you know? Some people I know my age are married, have kids, live on their own, etc. Want to know a secret? That bothers me sometimes. To know if I do not get the proper help in a good enough time I might not be able to do any of that stuff. This illness has so many components and different levels of complexity it is frustrating, 

Approixmenly 176+ million women around the world have it and there are only about 100 doctors maybe who know how to properly treat it and do the surgery effectively. 100 compared to 176,000,000 is not nearly enough. Sooo many of us but there is no cure that will stop it from growing back even if you have a full hysterectomy. 

Sometimes I even blame myself for what I deal with knowing it was nothing I did. I regret putting my body through a medically induced menopause(Lupron Depot Shot) almost daily. I am forever grateful I no longer have daily pain due to physical therapy, and only monthly or a few flare-ups here and there but it's like when I do have them I can barely function. I lost my scholarship because of this stuff. I cried and cried and cried.  I've had to miss class because I push myself every day knowing that too much activity, stress, and no rest can cause me to have those flare-ups. I still push and go to school. 

Do people honestly think an employer would care if I had those restrictions? I've read so many different stories of how people's bosses and coworkers have talked bad about them or to them because of these things. I've read so many stories of how people have had to quit because of it. Even stories of a female employer telling someone "it's just a period and cramps. Take some pain medicine and get here." Only if it was that simple. I contemplate a hysterectomy constantly ... remember that's not even a cure. 

Here is a little insight. I had surgery June 28, 2016... I had to be given not one not two but 10 different pain medications because my body will not accept anything anymore. I had to take so much just to go to school over the years. I bet if you ask anyone that knows me from school or a social setting they wouldn't be able to tell you a thing. They wouldn't have guessed anything was going on. I've hidden it so much and dog on I am tired of it. 

I should not have to do that... Noone should have to do that. Everyone should be able to express how they feel without being judged or being told "you complain too much, I don't care about your pain (yes I was told those exact words), get over it, suck it up. It is simply not that simple at all. 

I hope that my experiences and journey can help someone. I hope that people will have a better understanding of people like me. I pray people will stop making those dreaded comments and asking awful questions. I hope that I can help save or change a life. I hope I can be a young woman's inspiration.